So I've been meaning to put this up for a while I wrote a piece for my friends 'zine IMUR it should be out in a month or so I believe anyway here's what I wrote:
Fear and Collapse
By: Michael Doherty
I’m scared. There I said it, I finally got it out, and I’m not ashamed to admit it, although I find it disheartening that it is there to be admitted at all.
Now, I’ve always been a little worried about the future and whatnot as many people are wont to do. It starts with where am I going to go to college, what am I going to do for a job after I get my degree, will I ever meet that special someone? All of these of course are valid questions and legitimate and somewhat adult things to be pondering over. Lately, however I have had many more questions creeping into my already anxious mind. Things that I had neglected to even consider before now.
Before I continue, I think a little back story is in order. On Oct. 5th at about 4 o’clock in the afternoon I was taking the red line el train home as I have done many a time before. This time however I struck up a bit of a conversation with some guys on the train. Now, having just participated in a fun group event out in Lincoln Park I was in a good happy and trusting mindset. These guys unfortunately were not, and as we got closer and closer to their el stop they began getting pushier about seeing my IPod and when I refused when so far as threatening me saying that they had a gun. All in all they got away with my debit card, my cell phone and my IPod. I at least thank God that I wasn’t harmed in any way. As a result, though, my worldview is spinning.
After the attack there are so many more things that I am worried and anxious about now that I never even considered before. I used to think that the world was a heck of a lot safer than it actually is. I sort of had blinders on, and even when I saw bad stuff happen I never considered that it would happen to me or to people that I knew. That being said I’ve been through my fair share of hardship with family illnesses and other issues, but never anything so violent and immediate. Even the three block walk from my job to the Metra train is scary as hell now. I know a lot of people would agree that it is understandable that I would be worried about my personal safety after an attack like that but it feels like my fears and worries go much deeper than that.
Before the attack I was looking into getting a place of my own and I was just looking for someplace cheap and accessible. Concerns for safety have now made that process much more laborious and frankly have made the idea of living alone look quite terrifying. In addition to this I have started examining other areas of my life as a result. Everything from my health to my style to my ideals has come sharply into focus and is being questioned. Getting attacked by three thugs on the EL seems to have launched me into an existential crisis. I keep wondering what I am doing and what my purpose truly is in such a scary and terrible world. I also wonder if I am doing what I truly should be as an adult at this stage in my life or if my previous worldview has left me stunted in some way. Can I function on my own safely and wisely or am I fooling myself?
The real scary part though is that while this has happened to me the rest of the world seems to have fallen into the same type of downward spiral. I look around and I see crime on the rise because people are losing their jobs left and right. The stock market keeps plummeting because of greedy stupid bankers and stock traders, and the government as a whole is in a crisis economically. The part that scares me personally is that throughout all of this is that our government leaders have been blundering, useless, and backwards. At first I felt ok with them because they weren’t hurting me. I mean I have yet to put any money into the stock market at my young age and I see now that it would be somewhat foolish to do so any time soon. I also have yet to buy my first home, which others have told me will prove to be a good thing in the near future. This was until the problems began hitting home. Unfortunately, I’ve always had reason to have at least minor problems with our government ever since I bothered to get educated and involved in our country’s democracy. I mean let’s face it, back in 2000 when I was just turning 18 I watched our current “elected leader” cheat his way into office and steal the presidency from the man who actually won the popular vote. So, right of the bat wouldn’t that make you at least a little suspicious of the man? Fortunately, he was just another idiot and I figured by the time 2004 rolls around we’ll vote him out of office and we’ll just look back on him as a 4 year mistake and all will be right with the world. Then one Tuesday morning during my freshman year of college I was on my way to class when I was stopped in the hall by a group of people that were just staring in amazement and horror at the news reports on the television one of our professors had wheeled out into the hall from his office. It was Sept. 11th 2001 and the World Trade Center had just been attacked.
That was it; we were at war and by GOD were going to get those fuckers for trying to destroy our capitalistic freedoms! As a result Bush simply by showing his face, looking concerned and vowing to bomb the shit out of Osama Bin Laden and his cohorts had secured himself a full eight year double term as president. From then on everything you encountered was rife with scare tactics and you were “un-American” if you didn’t agree with the way the Bush administration was handling things. You didn’t want people to think you supported terrorism did you? I was conflicted by all of this and deeply saddened by the loss of lives but I wasn’t scared. I really believed that as a country (leadership aside) we were going to be able to pull ourselves out of this.
Eight years later…..
The war on terrorism has quieted down a little. It’s still going on, and we are still throwing troops into Iraq and Afghanistan, but as far as television news is considered it takes a back seat to the hole we have now dug ourselves into all on our own. All we wanted was to live what people have come to consider as the “American Dream.” One of the biggest things that is part of this dream is the ownership of a home. The American dream has always involved the acquisition of land (see: Manifest Destiny.) As a result greedy bankers saw this as a way to grow their asset base and try to make some more money giving unrealistic loans to people who would be unable in TEN lifetimes to pay them back if and when they were called in. As such banks are collapsing and we are losing our jobs and homes as collateral damage to this. Our country is collapsing because of our greed, GREED, not because we have been attacked by terrorists again, or because the war has moved on to soil, but because some bankers and stock brokers wanted MORE MONEY. The government has tried to help bail the banks out of this predicament but it is hurting on all levels of government both federal and local. As a result, many people I know are afraid that they may lose their pensions or their healthcare or worse yet their jobs all together.
We’ve gone from heehaw “let’s put a boot in [the terrorists] ass!” to getting booted out of our jobs and homes. Heck, the dollar is worth less now than ever. In trying to put this in a personal perspective I’ve been trying to figure out where I fit in this whole snafu. As a librarian I see that I play a very important role because the library is where people in these tight times are turning to get their information that they need to move on from their place in the economic crisis. Unfortunately a lot of people are turning to people like Suzy Ormond and her contemporaries. They need to keep in mind that the way these people made their money wasn’t from following the tips in their books, but from selling those books to all of you saps. Am I unnecessarily cynical? Some might say so. Me? I just think that I am dealing with all of the crap in the way I can best and to some degree that is through helping other people and trying to be optimistic. This outlook has been seriously tested as of late. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt when I can but has really become a tooth and nail world because of the economy and the general incompetency of people (both in our government and in general.) I hope I can be one of the good guys and help us as a society, in my own small way, get us out of this slump. That is where, despite the scariness factor my eyes are now open to with my robbery causing this bad economy to hit me on a scary personal level, other people are hopefully trying to go too, so that we can save ourselves from complete implosion, especially in light of this new presidential election. While I am trying to keep positive I do see that regardless of who gets elected into office, we have a lot of scary things to deal with. We have to repair our economy, we have to get our troops out of the Middle East and we have to repair the general publics trust in the government so that we can go back to living in a true happy pre 9/11 war on terror mindset. As it is the world hates us and we hate our leaders, but a lot of people are hopeful. I’d like to be but now I feel tainted because I can’t look at other people without a certain degree suspicion. Everyday I am filled with fear and dread questioning my own position in the world and looking incredulously at everyone else’s. This leads me with one overbearing thought: While I’d like to be optimistic and think that after this years election we will be able to get on a road to recovery from the place we have put ourselves in now, or am I just counting on a pipe dream that will never come to fruition? I’m scared…and the potentially bleak look on the horizon really hurts.
Here’s hoping something comes along soon to change my mind and brighten my outlook on the future…
I hope you out there like it and I'd love to hear some feedback.
